And This Is Where It All Started

I’ve decided that I shall no longer post here. At least not for a while. I feel better now. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself so I did something about it. Now I can consider myself free from my depression, if only for a moment.

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything I think. That’s because things have been such a big combination between the good and the bad and the horrific. At this point I just don’t know what to do. Things are crazy and I’ve fallen. I didn’t want to, dammit I didn’t want to! Love hurts so fucking much. I think it kills me more than it makes me happy… I just wish something would happen that would make things better, but unless the world ends I don’t see how that’s going to happen. I’m sorry it’s nothing poetic but I’m sick and I’m tired. Screw life.

Please stop doing this to me. You’re tearing me apart. I don’t understand why you don’t see! I hate you so much but I can’t help falling more deeply in love with you. I’d built my impenetrable fortress and you just went and burned it to the ground with your damn good intentions. I wish I could have pushed you away! Why can’t you see that by being so nice, you’ll be the end of me. Just thinking about it makes my heart weep. It hurts so much. Why can’t I be inhuman and emotionally unattached? I wish with all my heart that I didn’t love me. I know that you’ll never love me but why? Why did I fall? Just kill me now. Please. Please let me go.

I don’t want to fall. I want to be caught. I wonder if someone’s said that before. Probably so. :/

I’ve never liked anyone quite this much. But I can’t tell whether or not I love you. I’ve never met anyone quite like you. One minute you’ll make me feel like I’m not top of the world, the next you’ll make me feel like shit on accident. I don’t understand and I want to draw away so much but I don’t want you to leave me. I don’t want to be alone. You know this so why, why do you make me feel this way?

I hate myself so much. I can’t see why people want to be around me. I’m clingy and annoying. It’s obvious that everyone would rather be with someone else. I don’t know why I even try. The hatred builds and builds to where I just wish I could kill myself, but I can’t do it. I want to, so so much. I really just want everything to end. Then maybe I could finally find peace with myself.

I wonder if life has any meaning.
I wonder if my misery was predetermined.
I wonder if I actually have any control over my life.
I wonder why I’m even here.
I wonder what my purpose is.
I wonder why no one gives a damn.
I wonder why everyone leaves.
I wonder if I’m actually alone.
I wonder why I even try.
I wonder why no one sees me dying.
I wonder why I’m not already dead.
I wonder who decided to make my life hell.
I wonder who decided that I would have depression.
I wonder who decided that I would even have a life.
Because whoever decided that must really hate me.